February 08, 2005

intermission

lately, i've had a really hard time writing like i used to. i don't necessarily mean the style that i typically reserve for the letter7 entries, but rather the basic ability to sit down with a pen and let my thoughts flow. there are a number of reasons i think this block has become so strong... but i will sum it up in one simple sentence... within the last few months, letter7 has changed from a humble venue for self-expression, to one that is too restrictive for my creative endeavors. i simply cannot freely express myself here anymore.

starting today, i am going to take some time off from the obligation of maintaining letter7... and in the meantime plan on spending more time doing what spawned this site in the first place... writing for myself and only myself.

this may or may not be the end of letter7 in it's current form... thanks to all who have visited the site over the past few years, and those who took the time to send the comments and email my way. the kind words have been much appreciated.

January 25, 2005

validation

it might be that my expectations for myself are too high... that whatever is desirable is just out of grasp. perpetually out of grasp. things we try to achieve for posterity's sake are often pointless. we should look to the moment of achievement rather than what is gained in that moment. the remembrance should be of the accomplishment, not necessarily of the gain of physical matter... but maybe that's why we love new posessions... because they are what keeps us from forgetting.

January 18, 2005

particulars

a richer life is what i aspire to. one with rolled up ankles, and scissor wielding hands. ones that swing and move in paths of destruction. approaching with skepticism you speculate and ask yourself whether the truth of the matter is that you have no real friends at all. and with a mouth like gold and a striped shirt and a belt buckle... the changing of the world might be witnessed before your very eyes. you must practice not removing yourself from what is already once removed. admitting that what's tight should rightly be tighter. you miss the meaning of what should have been seen all along... it sounds the same as everything you've already heard. if i grew a beard and wore some thick-rimmed glasses it just might be okay... but i haven't, and i won't, so i don't expect you to understand. what i want to know: is it really the life? and if i saw you... would i really care? maybe we're all just doing our own thing... whatever that might be. it's just not what i fancy. just not what i affirm. the locks were here... now gone... and here i sit with elbows on my knees.

January 14, 2005

swelling

its the scale amongst us... the homo sapiens. or maybe we are part of the scale. a notch on it's belt, or maybe just a speck of dust riding the curve. the bulk of people out there are nothing more than average at the things they do. that's why it's called average. it's strange because the bell curve is only something people think about when talking about the grading scale in school. we never think to apply it to our everyday lives. we compare ourselves to others... about how we are doing in life... how we feel about our progress... but do we ever think to grade ourselves with a letter? we are part of this massive group of humans... millions in our own city, and billions in the world. but do we ever ask where we fit in on the bell curse? where does our ranking fall? i think it's a difficult thing to do... to try and honestly evaluate ourselves as objectively as possible. that's probably why most people don't do it, and it would probably uncover too painful a reality.

January 09, 2005

oddly disdain

for once in a long time, something just felt right. forget the long distance lines and the thoughts left to fester. sometimes all that's needed as fixer is some time and a little courage. in these situations it's odd that courage would even be needed. the hours spent, the words exchanged. fluids left to wonder of their purpose in life. they all came and went, but the cycle continues. alone we are in this world of question. this world of unanswered things. we are left alone with our thoughts and our worries. the guessing and second guessing. it's hard to look in the eyes of another with intentions unknown even to yourself... and explain what you're feeling inside. put on the spot by your own pain and desire; desire to set things straight. seen once before as a sexual being but now nothing more than a eunuch. the very identity and root of existence was truncated and left to die... oddly enough by overwatering and too much sun. so that life has run it's course. the times were had and that's just that.

January 04, 2005

aesthetically pleasing

i'm sick of the concept. i'm sick of explaining what i did and why. there should be fun left in creativity... exploration. ive been trained to think, to justify, to rejustify... and justify i can. but i'd rather just create. less thinking and more doing. i'm sick of clever. clever, clever. who cares if you can justify the meaning of something if it looks like shit? i believe that beauty is a byproduct of inspiration, and no matter how hard you try to create beauty, it is still abundantly clear that you are just banging your head against the wall.

December 20, 2004

the surface of change

when you know something is only temporary, you can enjoy it for all it's worth... it's menial pleasures... understanding- and not fearing- that one day it will come to an end. sight is blinded and confusion sets in... it seems surreal... but as every moment passes, you have an understanding above it all. and you can think of nothing but how great the experience is. focusing on what you feel, where you are... and the journey you are enjoying. it's not the dark, rainy day and how sad it makes you... but the impact that the oversized water drops have on you skin.

December 09, 2004

think

let me tell you...
knowledge is power.

do you believe what you are told?

are you weak if you don't think for yourself?
would it make you less knowledgeable
if you blindly took my word for it?

December 02, 2004

melodrama

i really don't blame you for the way you look at me. i can see in your eyes, the way they move... that they don't see the way they used to. instead of a sparkle, that beautiful sense of interest... i see a void. dark and amazing, they used to admire... they used to be infatuated with the thoughts of something more. but the darkness i came to love then neglect, turned into a black hole. times have changed, but i don't resent nature... now i see it was the most natural thing to happen. it hurts to watch feelings change, when you both know that something really was there all along. a feeling, a somewhat nervous giddy feeling that couldn't be controlled. one that would come and go as it pleased... almost embarrassing how well it could manipulate without your consent. but the embarrassment pales in comparison to the one caused by knowing that those times have passed... that lightning never strikes the same place twice, and our moment of opportunity is gone. mocked and taken for granted, what appeared as humble self-denial was truly adolescent fear of rejection. but rather than berate my past and it's missed connections... i conclude with one final observation: i'm not only my own worst critic... but also my own worst enemy.

November 30, 2004

innocence lost

it's the noise of my bathroom faucet leaking... and the neighbor upstairs trying to convince himself he can play guitar. these things keep me conscious just long enough to curse their intrusive existence and slowly let my focus drift back to making this pen crawl across the page. i need the silence of my footsteps hitting the pavement in the cold dead of night. on this trip i see no one to distract me, and wish for nothing more than a record button hidden behind my right ear... wired into my thoughts: it could capture every particularity of a feeling and play them back so perfect and clear, that i would swear i had traveled back in time to experience them once again. what's more pure than the construction of a new thought? ...one that suddenly appears and is not yet tainted by other thoughts, prejudices or morals... one not yet distorted by being routed through 100's of subconscious filters, each one assisting in the virgin demolition. the very first iteration is where it's at. the pilot issue. it's the truth of how we really feel at any given moment, before it's haphazardly scribbled on a piece of paper and then manipulated and typed online for the whole world to see. i need more time alone with my thoughts. i need a calmness in my heart... and a silence in the air.